Found in the Archives: A D&D Debacle

The Quest

Old Man wants the trolls cleared out of his dungeon. Will reward with gold.

The Characters

Hazel the emotionally scarred female druid.
Michael Scott the charismatic overweight male thief.
Shark the predatorially sexy female assassin.
Piemansam the sleep deprecated male mage.

The Story

Shark, Hazel, and Michael find themselves in the inn’s basement after escaping from skeletons, zombies, and a group of tortured ghosts.  The old man had set them up!  The trolls he ordered them to kill were a ruse to lure the adventures to a torture chamber and lock them inside. Good thing Michael Scott crit on a dungeoneering check to discover that escape lever! But the fact that the dungeon leads back to the inn confuses them. Is the innkeeper involved? They have to find out.In order to speak to the innkeeper and avoid being recognized, the group elects to disguise Michael as a voluptuous woman. They gather a tablecloth (for the dress) and some apples (for the voluptuous part). It’s not as convincing as his brilliant skeleton disguise from earlier, but it’ll do.Michael saunters over to the innkeeper, asking if they can go somewhere a little more ‘private’. The innkeeper takes Michael upstairs to a vacant bedroom and immediately starts undressing. Michael tries to stop him and explain the situation, but the man continues taking off his clothes.Shark and Hazel jump into the room, Hazel demanding an answer as to why there is a torture chamber beneath the inn while Shark, confused, starts trying to seduce the innkeeper. The innkeeper takes no notice, removing his pants. Michael reveals that he is a man, but the Innkeeper continues to strip and come on to him.

To make the villain come to his senses, Hazel empties her flask of cold spring water between his legs. The now naked man finally realizes that these people escaped his torture chamber. Furious, he grabs a knife and lunges toward Michael.

The thief draws his throwing dagger in self-defense and attacks the innkeeper’s “most sensitive areas.” The naked man howls in pain, falling to the floor. Hazel, still upset by the scene she had found in the dungeon, invokes the river spirits to turn the water she had thrown on the innkeeper into steam. After this, she pauses darkly and realizes that the best punishment for the man is to give him over to the ghosts of his torture victims.

They carry the naked, bleeding, burnt, and castrated innkeeper downstairs, belatedly realizing that this takes them right through the inn’s crowded main room. Michael drops the dying man and proceeds to distract the tavern with a stunning dance. Shark, still upset that her seduction techniques failed, cradles the innkeeper’s head between her breasts. “LOOK AT MY TITS! LOOK AT THEM,” she demands.

After throwing the innkeeper into the dungeon, Hazel slams the trapdoor shut. “Let’s agree that what happened here today will never be spoken of again.” A cry of agony rises from below. “And I DON’T want to know what happens down there.”

Our heroes go upstairs and rest after a job well done. The muffled screams of pain are drowned out by the loud music booming from above.